That was the most emotionally painful thing I’ve ever gone through, and while he tried to make it up to me a few days later, it still hurts to think about. The one time I tried to bring this up, he said that he prefers actions to words, and if I really need him to express emotional commitment, he’d rather be friends. (I’m also scared because I’ve given up a lot and invested a lot in buying this place and living together). I don’t want to ask him if he loves me, because I’m scared of what the response might be. And that the fact that we live together is convenient for him and fulfills his need to be super self-sufficient and sustainable, rather than a demonstration of love or commitment.

He’s so rational and practical that I can’t help thinking that all of the thoughtful things he does are things that he’d do for anyone, simply because that’s what’s practical in our situation (two people living together in the middle of nowhere). He totally fits my pattern of hyperrational, hyperintelligent older men who are entirely emotionally crippled. I think it’s destined to ruin our relationship (not that we’re supposed to call it a “relationship.” It’s a “situation.”) We were definitely in love at the beginning, but now we are in the day-to-day cohabiting reality where the romance is over - and I’m okay with that (it’s exhausting!) - I am really doubting whether he is able to feel love for me (or anyone).

But here’s the thing: He won’t tell me he loves me, and I’m becoming obsessed. Now, my partner is thoughtful and caring and patient and I adore him. We’re having a huge adventure and I get to do all sorts of amazing and empowering things. It’s been challenging, but it’s mostly fun. I know.) Think no hot water, no toilet, no showers, no heating, just enough power to charge your phone once in a while. Within eight months, we had bought an off-grid farm in the middle of nowhere together and moved in. A year ago, after a decade of endless casual sex, half-assed relationships, and living in fear of the L-word, I fell in love for the first time.

Living off grid w jake nicole topless